Monday, September 29, 2008

It's like they're saying they wouldn't have sex with most black women, but they would have sex with Halle Berry (c) Bill Maher

.... Bill Maher discussing latent racists and their inner struggles with voting for a Black Presidential Candidate. Enjoy this clip of Chris Rock on Bill Maher :)

Sunday, September 28, 2008

This is the last call, for the jump-off express (c) Phonte'

Coon's status...'Face it, every man's girl at one point in time has been another man's jump-off'

Me: I disagree with ur status
Coon: lol...on what grounds?
Me: It doesn't apply to me haha. Hence, I am the flaw in your argument
Me: Hahahaha
Coon: lol...when it comes to you i'd bet money on the fact that my status doesn't apply... but for others sometimes the jumpoff doesn't know she's the jumpoff
Coon: (attempts to argue with a future lawyer, lol)
Coon: aight well, maybe not the jumpoff, but she's at least in some other nigga's camera phone (c) corey holcomb, lol
Me: Hahahahahahahahaha. But what is the true definition of a jump-off?
Coon: any chic that gets a call around 12am for non emergency purposes, lol
Me: Ahhhhh haha
Me: But r u still the jump-off if you get the call and ignore em?
Coon: yeah, if u don't get jumped on
Coon: u can't possibly be a jump
Me: Cause I get calls all the time, but I don't act on em... lol
Me: I call those 'After 9' relationships
Me: If a nigga can't waste a couple daytime minutes on you...
Me: You're the jump-off, sowwie
Coon: damn, this status is causing an uproar
Coon: people hittin me up on facebook messenger pissed
Me: Ahhhhhh haha I love it
Coon: a couple sensitive niggas is on here like...thats not true. Oh nigga, when u go outta town for an extended amount of time, don't think yo boo is keepin it gully, lol
Me: That's cause deep down they know their girl fits in that jump-off category. They just don't wanna admit it
Coon: and its prolly a nigga who had sex with his girl within the first two days of knowing each other, lol
Me: Yeah, just tryin to convince himself that she's not a skank skeeza... Poor sap. You know how easy it was to hit. It wasn't cause you're 'special...' Come on nigga
Coon: i mean, i wifed a jumpoff, so a nigga does have experience, lol trust me, i'm qualified on this
Me: What happened as a result of this 'wifing?'
Coon: multiple std tests, lol
Coon: a mild threat of pregnancy
Coon: a negative test
Coon: a hint of relief
Coon: then singleness
Coon: lol
Me: Well I hope u learned the error of ur ways
Coon: oh, trust me, i have
Me: You must have a keen eye
Me: Hoes nowadays are even disguising themselves in the 'respectable woman' uniform
Coon: a keen eye, a stash of condoms, some spermicide, and a hint of luck
Me: You must stay strong, and be observant for the tell tale hoe signs
Coon: but see, i made the mistake
Coon: jumpoff came thru, and GTD'd (got the draws) second night
Coon: i thought it was me (c) bbd and ended up wifin her cuz i thought she was cool, lol

So after engaging in this discussion I felt compelled to present...

10 Tell-Tale Signs that you're attempting to wife up a Jump-off
... for the niggas that literally have no clue what they're getting themselves into

1. She frequently receives text messages during your 'late night sessions'
2. She is shocked/thinks it's romantic when you ask her to do something before the sun goes down
3. She is always available during the day on the weekends but during the evening hours you have to make plans weeks in advance because she is always busy
4. When you finally bring her around your boys they all know intricate details about her after seeing her, that you've never mentioned... claiming they've 'seen her around' or 'heard abour her' but neglect to give specific details
5. The company she keeps has the reputation of being 'promiscuous girlsssss' (c) Timbaland... Birds of a feather...
6. No matter which one you go to whenever you hit up 'The Bees' after 10 for those happy hour specials she always knows the waiter's names...
7. 'Platinum Penis' (c) has had sex with her... (all of my OSU'ers know who this refers to...)
8. After formally introducing her to your boys she rushes home to add them as friends on facebook/myspace
9. When you all are together and happen to walk pass a group of males she gets an uneasy look on her face...
10. She has sex with you after meeting you 1, 2, or 3 times... this does not count if you knew her BEFORE said f*cking. For example, if you two had been talking for months and you finally got around to meeting up for the 1, 2, or 3rd time and it happens this POTENTIALLY... (emphasis on potentially) may not be a jumpoff... HOWEVER, if you met the hoe at Club Ice on Sat, and you're pounding on Monday evening 'jumpoff jumpoff jumpoff jump offfffffff' (c) Omarian/Bow Wow

Friday, September 12, 2008

Put a lil T-Pain on my ish too... (c) JIGGA

Well after wasting two hours and some change of my life that I cannot get back watching the VMA's I had an epiphany. What did 99.9% of the songs and videos that were nominated and won have in common? NO, not that they were bad, even though that answer implies as well. A DAG ON SYNTHESIZER. I need one, and therefore since this is the only thing preventing me from achieving celebrity... I need to work on selling my body to attain one. However, as I dug deeper and tried to figure out how I could actually acquire a synthesizer I was baffled to find out that what I wanted wasn't a synthesizer at all... It's actually called an auto-tune device... Let me drop some knowledge so you all are not as ignorant as I was...

The auto tune device is an audio tool that uses a phase vocoder (a cool little thing that gives the pitch a digital type of effect) to perfect the pitch in both vocal and instrumental performances. So basically it's perfect for me because not only will this device correct my horrendous pitch imperfections, but it will also make me sound pseudo talented by adding a robot-like affect. LOOK OUT HOLLYWOOD, I'm getting one... Look for me on the VMA'S in '09 :) You should too... I mean all the cool kids are doing it. I know if you watched the VMA'S you saw Kanye's performace... He was representin for the auto tune SON! Rumor has it his new CD coming out some time in December is gonna be filled with abuse of the device, so get used to it... CAUSE THIS THING AIN'T GOIN NO WHERE!

Here's a link... READ MORE ABOUT IT, it really is kinda fascinating... ---->

PS Not even a auto tuner could help Rhianna's 'Disturbia' performance... but SHEEZ it was worth a shot, perhaps she should have researched the device for the occasion...

PSS BRITNEY SPEARS WON THREE AWARDS!?!?!? COME ON... I mean I understand MTV was trying to 'build Britney up' but hell, give that hoe ONE undeserving award... not THREE. If anything she shoulda got an award years ago for... I'm a SLAVEEEEEEEEEEEE for you. That video was hot *no homo*

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Calllll meeeee... when ya need me.... We can doooo summmthinnnn (c) Tweet... or better yet, just hit me up on the net Sure it seems like a fake website a horny twelve year old boy would make up, but it's an actual up and running url. The creators of this site said lets skip the whole 'compatibility' spiel that they were trying to sell on and go for the gusto! You lonely tonight? Need a quick fix to fill that huge void in your bed and no one in your phonebook is answering your 'Whatcha up to tonight?' texts... In a generation where everyone is used to having things NOW, is the remedy for your dilemma. CHECK IT OUT... After all you did get the site from yours truly... Who am I to judge? ;-) Who am I kidding... I'm judging you already, that site is RIDICULOUS... lol

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Freaky Chris! (c) Kwame Kilpatrick

9/12/02, 10:32pm, during trip to Washington, DC
Christine Beatty: Can I just come and lay down in your room until you get back?
Kwame Kilpatrick: Yes.

9/13/02, 9:02am (the next morning)
KK: They were right outside the door. They (the bodyguards) had to have heard everything...
CB: So we are officially busted! LOL
KK: LOL LOL! Damn that. Never busted. Busted is what you see! LOL. ...
CB: LOL, LOL. Damn, so they have to walk in before you conceed busted! LOL.
KK: Hell yeah. Walk in.

9/15/02, 3:38am (still in DC)
CB: I'm on my way to your room now. But by the time you get there I'll be sleep and it will be 5am!
KK: I got something for you.
CB: LOL. is that so? I'm in your room. Don't let Mike check it (reference to Mike Martin, a bodyguard). Are you in route or still hanging? What do you have for me?

9/25/2002, 6:56pm
CB: This is one of those little things I had to tell you. Last night when I was laying on your shoulder in the car and you held my face and sang whatever song it was, that felt so good. It was just one of those little moments when you just made me fall some more.

9/28/2002, 11:53pm
CB: Where are you now?
KK: At home waiting for all EP (executive protection officers) to leave. Where are you?
KK: At the residence inn in Madison hgts.

10/7/2002, 11:20pm

CB: OK, I’m feeling like I want another night like the most recent Saturday at the Residence Inn! You made me feel so damn good that night. As you can see I can’t let it go!...
KK: I feel that we can do that in WV just relax together. I need you soooo bad. I want to wake up in the morning and you are there. Make it happen. Love ya.

10/8/2002, 10:18am

KK: I’m fine. Need a break. I want to get out of town w/you. Check on resorts outside of Houston.

10/16/2002, 11:48pm
KK: I’ve been dreaming all day about having you all to myself for 3 days… relaxing, laughing, talking, sleeping and making love.

10/31/2002, 5:28pm

KK: I’ll feel better once I’m holding you.
CB: You didn’t say whether or not we are trying for some time tonight.
KK: Definitely. I’m getting a room. Damn that!

CB: LOL. Okie dokie.

4/8/2003, 8:55pm

CB: And, do you miss me, sexually?
KK: Hell yeah! You couldn’t tell. I want some more. Don’t sleep!

5/5/2003, midnight

KK: That’s the first time that I couldn’t fully seduce you. My game is off. LOL! Thanx for the conversation and the QT! Love you!
CB: LOL! Your game is way on baby! “you had me at hello!” Jerry McGuire 2000. LOL. I just didn’t want to get caught.

Sooo I dunno if you are familiar with the 'Kwame Kilpatrick Scandal' but I will do my darndest to catch you up...

I'm sure the text messages that you just read don't seem all that bad... Hey, you may be guilty of sending some skank skeeza text messages yourself, and I'm not judging... Ain't nuffin wrong wit it! In fact, these text messages should be considered private correspondence between a couple that was in love. The couple being Kwame Kilpatrick and his chief of staff Mrs. Christine Beatty. Oh, why don't they have the same last time do you ask? A couple this in love SURELY must be married, right? Oh indeed they were... But not to each other! Mr. Kilpatrick the Mayor of Detroit had a wife by the name of Carlita, who ALSO happened to be a sorority sister of said mistress Beatty... And get this... They ALL were long time friends... SCANDALOUS I know...

Ironically how this affair came to be known is only PART of the scandal. You see, in 2002 Mr. Kilpatrick's guard by the name of Harold Nelthrope became under investigation by internal affairs and decided he wasn't going to be the only one going down... So he decided out Mrs. Beatty and Kwame on their 'love'/raunch sessions. Not long after, Harold and the lead investigator Police Chief Gary Brown lost their jobs. Coincidence? I think not. The 'letting go' of these two employees resulted in a huge lawsuit against the city of Detroit for retaliatory firing. Under oath both Kwame and Christine denied their relationship.. That is until Brown and Nelthrope subpoenaed the text messages and began fighting for them to be admissible in court. Mr. Kilpatrick allegedly assaulted two deputies that were attempting to serve him this subpoena, which is what ultimately lead to ANOTHER court case. Nevertheless, the case involving Nelthrope, and Brown was 'ironically' settled... but the assault charges were still pending... Well, until now... WHAT WAS IN THOSE TEXT MESSAGES THAT WAS SO BAD THAT KWAME WAS WILLING TO BEAT DOWN SOME NIGGAS AND PAY ALMOST 9 MILLION TO KEEP THEM SIGHT UNSEEN? Oh just click here if you didn't get enough from the excerpts I've included... They are NOOOOO joke!

Well, as of today Mr. Kilpatrick FINALLY resigned as the Mayor of Detroit. He is going to plead no contest to one felony assault charge in return for dropping a second assault charge. Due to this plea agreement he was sentenced to spend 120 days in jail... What is going on with him and Mrs. Beatty you ask? Well, Mrs. Beatty is now Ms. Beatty... yup her and her husband got a divorce. So are the two love birds who were obviously SO IN LOVE as documented in their text messages living together in joyous bliss? NOPE. THINK NOT. Mr. and Mrs. Kilpatrick are still together and Carlita has 'forgiven her husband.' Sorry Christine, but you shoulda known betta! He wasn't gon leave his wife!